Here is a list of ten things that desis do in this country, which are interesting to the persons doing it, but maha boring to all the others around them.
1. Take part in Spelling Bee contests
How many times have we seen it ? A pipsqueak (sp ?) of an American born kid of Desi ancestry, usually called Venu Iyer or Anita Potlaneni or something equally bombastic (sp ?), complete with thick glasses and futuristic nerd looks, spelling its way to a fat college scholarship. The Newsweek or Time then publishes a photo and adds that "english is not the language they speak at home". Personally, I would rather use spellcheck.
2. Compulsive tendency to log in and read email and bboards frequently.
This activity is too boring to even describe.
3. Give vote of thanks in India Association meetings
This most boring activity takes place between the Cultural Evening and the Holi dinner. It serves no purpose other than to find out who the President of India Association is. This is the high point of his or her career and he thanks everybody and makes at least seven PJs. He uses the phrase 'Last but not the least' at least five times. He also makes about six announcements, including one about coughing up membership money for the next year. He also asks the audience to be quiet about three times.
4. Talk about their Ph. D projects
Usually this guy talks about how busy he is and how his project sponsors are coming the next week. If we pay some attention to him as a matter of courtesy we are treated to a byte by byte account of his computer code, completely debugged and documented for our benefit. He also believes he is running the show and his advisor is completely dependent on him. Watch out for the lumpen elements, who bore you to death with their projects, yet tell you that they would rather be doing something else.
5. Come here from India to visit their nephews
I am reminded of Ashish Ghosh's uncle who insisted on discovering America on a two week visit to this country. Once in a restaurant he was staring pointedly at the left breast of the waitress. It was unsettling. Before we could do anything about it, he even pointed his finger to her left breast. Every one of us, including the waitress, was horrified.
Uncle: (still pointing to the name tag on her left breast) "What your name means ?"
Waitress: "What ?"
Uncle: (insistently) "What your name means ?"
Waitress: "You want to know what my name means ? I don't know what Cheryl means. Its just a name."
There are still other such stories. About the time he went to Seven Eleven and rushed straight into the cash counter and grabbed a pack of cigarette, instead of asking the cashier for it. The cashier would have shot him down, but for that sad, apologetic look in Ashish's eyes. And another time, he went to Sears and started taking his banian off in the aisle itself to try on a new T shirt or something, because he didn't know about the fitting rooms.
6. Go to India for a visit
This guy can be an absolute pain, starting a couple of months before his India trip. "Only forty three days more" he would insist on telling you. He would also tell you the complete list of gifts he was planning to buy for his various relatives. As an appetizer, he would also tell you what all he had to finish in the 'lab' before he leaves. "I can't wait to eat all the good grub and the mangoes" he would drag on. "I have fifty two uncles and two hundred and twelve first cousins and ten of them are getting married this summer and I will have to go to all their weddings. Pappu actually is my Mama's son, but we went to high school together. Actually he is a year older than I am. But I joined school one year earlier. You know how this is in India. My dad gave a false birth date and blah blah blah"
7. Trying to be interesting in a white man's party.
This is essentially done by fresh off the boat engineering/computer types who are trying to be cool. This involves constantly sipping alcohol and trying to make extended conversations with women, while trying to ignore other desis. If this desi dude meets another guy, lets say from Sweden, he would then tell him, "I like Sweden a lot. Land of the erotica." or something equally absurd. He would also pretend to understand all the jokes that are made, including some about himself. He would harangue extensively about India's foreign policy to people who would not want to get any more intellectual than talk about Michelle Pfeiffer.
8. Hang around in Indian Stores and try to rent desi videotapes
This activity is done by a lot of men and women. They would wander through aisle after aisle of moong daal, gripe water and sale items. "Have you got any fresh toor daal" she would ask. "Last time we bought it, it was bad". She would mentally divide the price to get the 'per pound' value and compare it to the prices in the other Desi store or the India Abroad prices. In the meantime, the male is hanging around the video section and asks the owner "Have you got any latest good movies ?" And then he would turn to whoever is willing to listen to him and say "Woh kaun hai ? Amitabh Kakkar or is it Amitabh Khanna, nahin nahin Amitabh Bachchan - that fellow acts okay. I saw his latest picture Zanjeer last week. It was good. You must see his movies." At which point, the storeowner would push a mushy trash videotape, a South Indian movie dubbed in Hindi, with heroines bigger than some Sumo wrestlers and the desi guy takes it without any resistance.
9. Have surprise parties for their girlfriends/boyfriends/spouse
This is the most boring kind of party you can be invited to - essentially because you are asked not to tell the person to be surprised and you really don't want to clutter up your brain with such trivial secrets. At the appointed time, you yell 'surprise' along with the other guests, with simulated enthusiasm in your voice. Lets face it, you are there primarily for the food. Then the 'surpriser' tells the 'surprisee' a long story about how elaborately he had planned the whole thing, how it almost got botched and how even though he has been doing it year after year on the same day, it is still very much a surprise and ......
10. Start singing in a desi gathering for no reason.
This is the lowest level a desi party can stoop to. Typically nobody knows how it all starts. But before you are ready for it, a wineglass shattering voice is rudely bursting into a song. The singer can be a male or a female. But whatever the sex may be, he or she usually closes its eyes and looks really funny. They also firmly believe that they have a gifted voice. "My throat is not okay today" they would shyly say at the end of the song. Just when you breathe a sigh of relief, they had already started on the next song, this time, even tapping their feet or shaking their whole body. At the end of the song, the embarrassed audience has no choice but to clap and encourage. "You have a good voice" someone in the crowd would lie to the singer "You must have sung in college". The singer becomes an icon of modesty while simultaneously getting flattered, before letting his blackboard-scratching voice boom into another song. If the singer is not the host, throw water on the person and extinguish the songs. You can always apologize later. Antakshari and dumb charades are much better.
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